12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
