onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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