I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i think i have two assholes
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
