I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
