After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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