So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
