mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
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