the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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