Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
