"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
My bed smells like the plague
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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