So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
