So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
