the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I'm lost and stupid without you.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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