i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
The best revenge is premature balding
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I'm both gender and math confused
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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