I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
