i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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