Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
