i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
