brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
