Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
How's work?
Spinning.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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