Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
