____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
