my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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