They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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