He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
