Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
