next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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