It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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