After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
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