Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
