Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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