My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
