pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
