ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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