i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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