my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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