he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
the condom got lost in my hair
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
