How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
