I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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