I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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