I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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