I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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