im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
