his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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