I love black thongs
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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