they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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