Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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