I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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