the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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