yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
